Confidence vs. Humility

What’s the difference between the good kind of pride (aka self-worth), and the bad kind of pride (self-focus) and how do you attain one without the other? Recently I was complimented as having “remarkable wisdom” by someone I greatly respect. I was taken aback because I never get that kind of feedback and in fact, more often think the opposite of myself—that I have little of value to contribute to an intellectual discussion. To say the least, it felt great to receive the affirmation, and it sparked a chain of thoughts that haven’t reached their conclusion yet.

First I started wondering if he was right. Did I have the capacity to contribute wisdom to an intellectual discussion? If so, why have I felt otherwise? I started thinking of a number of things I could do if this were true. I could take more risks entering into conversations that feel a bit over my head with less fear of being thought of as foolish. I could write thoughtful editorials and submit them to various magazines and websites for possible publication, something I would have never even dared to consider before. My assumption has long been that I was not at an intellectual level where I could even compete. And I am beginning to realize that assumption has held me back.

But there’s another side to the thought process: the fact that all this sudden thinking about my wisdom and intelligence (which may or may not be reality, it was a passing comment by one person) has definitively served to feed my selfish pride, and surprisingly has not really served to quench my insecurity. I’ve started thinking, “wow, maybe I am something.” And then quickly sinking into thoughts like, “but maybe that was a fluke,” and remembering all the times I’d said something in a discussion that was met with blank stares and felt a sense of “poor girl, she doesn’t get it.”

Can you see the self-focus growing? I am learning I have zero ability to judge myself, and that others’ judgments are fickle and inconsistent. They can’t be trusted. And they say nothing at all about genuine worth which is found only in Christ.

Here’s where I’m supposed to come in and say that we’re not meant to find our worth in the eyes of the world which changes like shifting shadows. We’re meant to find our value in Christ alone. And that’s truth. But I haven’t figured out how to apply the truth yet. Neither have I learned what to do with affirming comments. Can I use them to help build my confidence and challenge me to try new things? Or should they be downplayed because of their inherent dangers? And what do I do with the rejections? Do I take them to mean I have no ability (to reason or to write) after all? How do I properly assess myself? How do I build confidence and humility at the same time?

As I mentioned at the beginning, I haven’t begun to reach conclusions in this matter. Maybe part of that is due to my relenting need to overanalyze everything. Maybe I need to work harder to let all the thoughts go, and trust that God will accomplish His purposes in me regardless. After all, He’s pretty darn good at knocking down selfish pride when He wants to. It’s the proper balance that I crave.