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Okay, so it’s time to catch you up. Here’s the short story. I started a new part-time job and have pretty much dropped everything else while I’ve been getting adjusted to it.
Which means I haven’t been:
a) blogging
b) running or biking or researching biking
c) dating
d) spending quality time with God
e) writing
f) moving forward in my life
And that I have been:
a) sleeping a lot
b) emotionally eating and gaining weight
c) saying no to social activities and then complaining that I’m lonely
d) watching the Olympics instead of thinking
e) spending too much time on Facebook
f) slipping backwards in my life
It’s amazing what happens when you default into coping mode. It's intensely frustrating. All of the sudden I felt like all these things I've worked so hard to achieve just disappeared, most importantly emotional stability. It's like when your immune system is compromised and you catch every little bug within two miles of your breathing space. There is no thinking of achieving great goals. Suddenly the goal becomes keeping it together, getting enough rest to make it to the next day, finding food whenever and wherever, trying not to destroy relationships.
I realize I probably sound overdramatic. But this is how it's felt to me. No transition is as easy and smooth as I think it should be. Eventually things will even out, and are beginning to do so already (evidenced by the fact that I'm blogging again), but none of it is fast enough to satisfy.
I hate this feeling of two steps forward, one step back. I desperately want to be one of those people who only moves forward. One who takes positive steps and is ever increasing in fulfilling their potential. One who leaps over roadblocks on the strength of a power bar.
I've been reading about Rick Warren lately. Big mistake! This guy is doing huge things to change culture around the world. Huge things! I can't even manage to take off five pounds. Or buy a bicycle helmet. Or go to the grocery. Or call a friend. Everywhere I look there seem be Rick Warrens and Michael Phelps and Oprah Winfreys and even 15-year-olds named Miley, not to mention a million others, who just touch things and they turn to gold. And then there's me.
The point I’m trying to make here is not that I'm a loser, though I suppose that could be debated, but rather that I hate seeing my own weakness. I hate that I am so easily sidelined. Weakened. Deterred. I hate that I'm not on the list of rising stars in any category.
It all comes down to worth. At the bottom of it all. What determines my worth? Is it fulfilling my potential? Is it being respected? Admired? Strong? Thin? Financially stable? Emotionally stable? Successful? Married? Able to cook?
True enough, the world says those things do determine who I am. The world says I'm slipping backwards. That I must become strong to earn worth, to earn love. The question is, am I going to listen?
Because this is reality: this world is not my home. I belong to Someone with a different set of values. Someone who wants to remind me I am just as valued as the world changers, and just as valued as the near-homeless alcoholic who has failed at every relationship and lost every possession.
Yes, I’m further down the mountain than I’d like to be. But I matter to God. May my frustrations of late serve to remind me that others, especially the weak and the discarded, matter just as much.
S.D.G.
www.lifeonatinyisland.blogspot.com
Sunday, August 17, 2008
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6 comments:
I can relate! Reminds me of a conversation with an old friend from high school who said we're at the point now (in our mid-late 40s) where it's pretty obvious we're not going to win an Oscar (or in his case, as an attorney, try cases in front of the Supreme Court, etc). It's encouraging to reflect on the fact that people at the "top" are basically 1-5% of the population, so the rest of us are actually "normal". The challenge is accepting the reality of day-to-day mediocrity/averageness while still striving for excellence. Keep striving, but don't beat yourself up along the way!
on the other hand, i don't think we should limit ourselves by age- look at alot of the female athletes this year in the olympics- 33 yr old gymnast, 38 yr old romanian that won the marathon and 41 year old swimmer that won silver.... hmm sounds like there are not limits and that we should go for our dreams no matter the age!
something encouraging to think about. although we may not become a major big thing - i think we shouldn't give up and throw in the tall because we think we're too old.
-Renee :)
OK ... do you really know someone who only moves forward? I know it looks like that sometimes but everyone moves backwards too. Know that I hear ya and I'm with ya! This world tells us lies but God tells us the truth. Sometimes I just wish His voice was louder than the TV! ;)
Hang in there! (and keep blogging. Your wit and prose brighten my day!!)
Michele
well you know, I love you exactly as you are, even though I'm in what feels like an endlessly painfull place and I'm sometimes envious of your freedom and mobility. I respect your feelings on the subject though and the legitimacy of the magnitude and depth of them. I very much miss the ability to have long, pause-filled discussions on the topic flopped ony sofa with a 2lb bag of M&m's. Jax
i totally understand. i feel like im moving backwards too and im in my 50s. keep writing.
As my brother observed (in so many words), maybe the mountains are all relative.
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